Test: Do you have a controlling partner?

Control through criticism
- My partner makes me feel like I always do everything wrong. Nothing is ever good enough in his opinion.
- He makes me feel like I don’t support him enough and that I don’t love him enough.
- He doesn’t like the way I cook, clean, dress, make love or behave in public.
- He never encourages me. Even his compliments are backhanded: “That’s the first good meal you’ve made in months.”
- When I talk to him about my insecurities, he calls me a baby and tells me it’s time for me to grow up and keep my feet on the ground.
- He calls me names… stupid, whore, nut job, bitch…
- He’s always correcting what I say or do; he’s the only one who does things right.
- Whenever we’re with my family or friends, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells because I keep expecting him to humiliate me about something I’ve done.

Control through moods, anger, threats
- If I’m five minutes late, I’m afraid he’ll get angry.
- My partner expects me to figure out exactly what he wants and he’s furious when I can’t or won’t.
- Living with my partner is very stressful because I never know what will make him angry.
- Whenever I do something “wrong”, he blows up and then refuses to speak to me.
- He gives me the silent treatment, and I have to figure out what I did wrong and apologise.
- He gets depressed and I have to work really hard to raise his morale.
- If I don’t do everything he wants, he threatens to report me to social services for being a bad mother.
- He says he’ll never let me leave him.

Control through protection and excessive attention
- My partner doesn’t like me to go out because he says he worries too much about me.
- He’s jealous when I talk about new acquaintances.
- He calls me often at work or just shows up to see if “everything’s all right”.
- He does the errands so I don’t have to go out.
- He tells me that I’ll never need to work because he’s decided he’ll take care of me.
- He chooses my clothes because he likes my appearance to be above reproach.
- He drives me to work and comes to pick me up after work because he doesn’t want my colleagues to get “ideas” about me.
- He encourages me to do drugs with him so we can “trip” together.

Control through denial of your perceptions (gaslighting)
- My partner treats me very cruelly and then tells me I’m too sensitive and that I have no sense of humour.
- He promises me he’ll do something, doesn’t keep his promise and then tells me he didn’t promise anything like that at all.
- He gets angry in public and during family gatherings, and when I confront him about it, he accuses me of exaggerating or making it all up.
- He seems to be very interested in my emotional life and tries to convince me I need to see a psychiatrist. As for him, he says he’s perfectly normal.
- He tells me I spend my time imagining problems.
- He hits me, and then later, asks me how I hurt myself.
- He makes me cry and then says I’m hysterical. He asks me why I’m so easily sad.
- He tells me he can help me correct my faults. He pushes me to list everything that’s wrong with me.
- When I try to get him to have a serious conversation, he tells me: “Yeah, there you go again. Relax!” He acts as if I’m getting carried away, although this isn’t the case.

Control through failure to respect your needs and opinions
- My partner doesn’t help me when the children are sick or if I’m sick in bed. Or he promises to do so and then forgets.
- He expects me to set aside what I’m doing right away when he wants my attention, but he never does the same thing for me.
- When I try to talk to him, he constantly interrupts me, distorts what I say or forgets what I just told him.
- When I try to discuss a problem with him, he immediately changes the subject.
- He shows up at my place without warning whenever he feels like it, or he never keeps our engagements, which keeps me from doing many things.
- He has no trouble going out without me whenever he feels like it, but me, I’m not allowed to because I’m responsible for the children.
- When I try to express my opinion about something, he doesn’t answer, leaves the room or makes fun of me.

Control through unilateral decisions
- My partner always has to have the final word.
- As soon as I think we’ve finally agreed on something, he goes out and does the exact opposite.
- If I mention a decision he made without consulting me, he asks me why I keep harping on a decision that’s already been made.
- He tells me some things are simply not negotiable.
- He says it’s up to the man to make decisions for his family.

Control through money
- I can’t get any information at all about our financial situation. My partner tells me I already have enough to do without having to worry about money matters.
- I have to justify every penny I spend and make things do to balance my budget.
- He spends his money on whatever he wants. Then he gets mad and blames me when he needs money and there’s none left.
- He refuses to give me an allowance for household expenses and I have to ask him for it every time.
- He tells me that with everything he does for me, I should be happy to let him live the way he wants.
- He gives me everything I want, but constantly reminds me that I couldn’t live so well without him.
- He doesn’t work. He takes money from my wallet or steals things from me and sells them.

Control through blame
- If I tell my partner he’s too authoritarian or critical, he tells me I’m immature. We always end up talking about my personality.
- He says he can’t stay sober as long as he’s living with a nut job like me.
- He says that if I ever leave him, he’ll kill himself and it’ll be my fault.
- He blames me for the fact that he lost his job and now he won’t look for work.
- He says that he wouldn’t get lose his cool if I could make the kids shut up.
- He says he wouldn’t go out so often with other women if I took better care of my appearance.
- He says he would invite me out more often if I weren’t so stupid.
- He says he gets along with other people so it’s my behaviour that causes him to “lose control”.

Control through restriction of your contacts with others
- When I want to go out, my partner starts an argument with me.
- He doesn’t like me to spend time with my family, with or without him.
- He tells me that I don’t spend enough time on him or that I don’t have enough energy for him, that I spend more time and energy on my friends and family than on him.
- Although he doesn’t come right out and say it, I think he wants me to ask him for permission before I go out anywhere.
- When I come home, he gives me the first degree to find out everything that happened.
- He accuses me of having lovers.
- He made me late for work so often that I ended up losing my job.
- When I spend time with my girlfriends, he accuses me of being a lesbian.

Control through physical intimidation
- My partner stands in the doorway and won’t let me through the door to keep me from going out during our arguments.
- When he’s angry, he frightens me by standing right next to me with clenched fists.
- When we quarrel, I’m sometimes afraid of what he might do, so I stop arguing.
- He drives dangerously when he’s mad at me, and that terrifies me.
- He throws and breaks things in the house.
- He destroys my favourite clothes and things.
- He refuses to leave when I ask him to do so.
- He keeps me from sleeping.

Control through sexual humiliation
- My partner insists on performing sex acts with me that make me feel uncomfortable.
- He tells sex jokes about me in front of the kids and other people.
- He makes fun of my body.
- He tries to seduce my girlfriends and members of my family.
- He forces me to wear clothing that he finds sexy but that embarrass me.
- He compares me to women we see in magazines and porn films.
- He tells vulgar jokes that I feel are degrading to me and to women in general.